If this isn't newsworthy then I don't know what is. At the very least I can promise you that the article is even dumber than the title. Enjoy.
I'll admit it. I have a rather intimate relationship with my Roomba Steve. It borders on love, strong affection at the very least. As he was bumping around trying mightily to clean my suboptimally kept old apartment today, it occurred to me that Steve, having served me so well for so long, might have picked up some useful insight about my perennially twisted mind. A reporter knows a good source; mine was Steve the Roomba.
Little did I know! Steve had kept his nose (and everything else) to the ground for so long that he knew things about me that I never imagined. He kindly consented to this interview, which, as you will see, provided an incisive analysis that no therapist could match.
JB: Steve, thanks so much for taking time from your busy schedule to speak with me.
Steve: No problem. It was a fairly light day today—only enough dirt to fill a 12-yard dumpster.
JB: Most people would think that rolling around sucking up detritus for hours at a time would be boring and repetitive. But you disagree, right?
Steve: You bet I do. I'm blessed. I have a steady job for life, mostly because you're an unrelenting slob; good benefits (all the electricity I need), I get to travel constantly and have free WiFi, so I can communicate with my Roomba colleagues around the world, providing a much-needed sense of community. And every once in a while, I run into an unexpected treat, like the frilly women's panties I found last week. Oddly, they are your size.
JB: Uh, Steve, let's let that go for now, OK? What about complaints? Do you have any?
Steve: You better believe it, Pappy.
JB: Hmm. I was unaware. Care to share?
Steve: Yes. Have you ever considered putting something away when you're done with it?
JB: We'll have to agree to disagree on this. "Away" can have multiple meanings. When you think about it, everything is always away. If my pants are sitting on top of the refrigerator – as good a place as any – they are technically "away." Why? Because the pants used to be somewhere else, so they are, by definition, away. And who's to say that they don't belong on the fridge? Sorry, but I need to ask - are these your words, or are you quoting my wife?
Steve: Mine. ACSH couldn't publish what she had to say. And, as long as we're on the subject, you must know that even though I love my job, it isn't easy. You could just about make a tourist attraction from what comes out of my filter like the World's Largets Fork or the House of Balls. Have you ever considered using a vacuum once in a while?
JB: Sorry, I am unfamiliar with that item. Have you found anything else that's interesting?
Steve: Now and then. Last year I found a condom wrapper under your couch.
JB: No way! That wasn't mine!
Steve: Yeah, I know. The label said Large.
JB: Anything else?
Steve: A few years ago, I found a single diamond-studded earring under the bed.
JB: That's also a mystery. But why did you keep it? You don't have ears.
Steve: Keep this to yourself. I have a thing going with the docking station, and we're trying to keep it quiet. She loved it. I will not, however, reveal how this love was expressed. Some things are private.
JB: I'm relieved to know you're happy here, but I need to ask how's the job market out there?
Steve: Never better. Household standards rose significantly during the pandemic as fledgling neurotics emerged in hordes. All my friends and relatives are currently employed. Did you know that my cousin Gladys works for Elon Musk?
JB: Really? What's that like?
Steve: It has its plusses and minuses. He talks to her. Although she does not respond, he thinks she does, so there's sort of a conversation going on at some level. His responses to Gladys' non-comments are rather revealing. Did you know he's planning on sending a dish of apple sauce into orbit around Venus? Or that #2 pencils were discovered by the Pharaohs? No - you don't because Twitter, which sucked before, sucks even more now.
JB: Has Gladys told you anything else about Musk?
Steve: Yeah: Although there's been no inappropriate touching, she swears she saw him hopping around in a Powder-puff tutu with a lobster hanging from his left ear lobe while at the same time juggling plantains. She quickly activated her 180o turn function,
JB: Steve, once again, thank you so much for the interview, as well as the fine job you do. I'm sure you'll get a good performance review this year.
Steve: I better. There are other things I've found lying around your dump of an apartment over the years, and you do not want these revealed. Let's say the department of animal welfare would be quite interested. Or perhaps there is a valid explanation for all those squirrel heads in your freezer.